TTTSNB - Extras

Rachel has once again supplied some little extras to go with this week's story, this time in the form of some humourous alternate endings.

Enjoy....

The Sudden Death Ending

Two keen brown eyes watched as the strange blue box began appearing on the street corner, despite the perception filter and the chameleon device Howard knew instantly that it belonged to an old and dear friend. Then he tripped forward and banged his head on the floor and the world was destroyed soon afterwards.

The 'Aliens' Scene

“We can banish their false god if we disrupt their summoning in time.” Howard said to Zoe as they walked to the Lowry house. “Failing that then we may have to resort to violence I’m afraid to say.”

“Violence is the answer.” Zoe said wisely. “Grab the guns, let's lock and load!"

"Oh my." The Doctor fretted. "I blame television and violent movies for this."

"Come on, last one left alive has to snog Jamie!" Zoe picked up an extra gun and another knife.

The 'Scooby Doo' Ending

“We’ve failed!” Howard yelled to the room, as all around him the shambling monstrosities shed their rags to reveal just how very far from their humanity they had fallen. “What in god’s name are you? What have you done to yourself?”

“We are the children of He whom we love. This body is born anew in his glory. The human form is weak, pathetic, foolish. This body will last me until the very end of time itself!” Percival Lowry said in a quite inhuman voice. “Yes! He is coming! He rises! Yes! He rises!”

The Doctor saw an edge around Percival's neck and on a hunch he leant forward and pulled it, to reveal it was a mask. He gasped when he saw who it was underneath. "It's Mr. Jenkins, the old janitor!"

"I'd have gotten away with it too if it hadn't of been for you meddling time travellers!"

"That solves another case." Zoe said with a smile.

The Thing That Should Not Be

Hello once again! I hope you enjoyed that little side-step, but now it's back to the main event. It's Rachel's second story for the series and it's as completely different from her last one as you can imagine (though just as entertaining!).


So, here, for your reading pleasure is:

 

The Thing That Should Not Be

By Rachel Morgan

It was not a night for normal people to be about any sort of business. Unknown and unknowable dark figures shuffled around in the midnight moonlight. Grotesque shadows ran black on dark grey as they twisted around creating obscene shapes in the ebony nether. Most would assume it was simply a trick of the light, a simple explanation provided by physics and an over active imagination. Surely nothing of any early biology could have limbs such as that? That shape head simply does not belong on that shape body. They would be wrong but as there's no one there to see the truth they need not worry about it and thus wouldn't loose their sanity to the plain uncomfortable truth: they are not human beings…anymore.

The storm began to build, air currents fed into themselves, trapping heat and moisture in a constantly growing storm cloud, soon it would become visible turning from white fluffy clouds into the darkening grey anvil of nature's fury and the lightening hammer would strike the anvil and thunder would resound around the world. This storm would be like no other before it; this storm would signal the end of the world!

 

 

The interior of the TARDIS was, by contrast, rather too well-lit, all bright white lights and highly reflective white-painted walls. Zoe always liked the delightful contrast of the minimalist room architecture and the maximum amount of clutter which each room seemed to possess. Her own room was full of rail after rail of simply the most fabulous dresses, gowns, suits, skirts, blouses, trousers and a dozen other types of outfits besides. She had only explored a fraction of the ship and these hand-picked couture treasures were her carefully selected crop of her random exploratory forages inside the spaceship.

On an end table a group of clocks were clustered all together, each was set to a different time and many of them unusable on Earth as they were set to different increments of time that were fundamentally untranslatable to the home planet of the room's current occupant.

A large tri-fold mirror stood nearby and she carefully studied her reflection in it, to make sure she could see herself from every angle. She didn't want to wear something that looked ghastly from the rear did she? She finally approved of her selection, a simple black Lycra catsuit with silver floral designs sewn around the arm and leg cuffs and repeating in smaller designs across parts of the surface of the main body. To this she added a silver feather boa and some semi-practical shoes, as you never know where or when you'll end up with the Doctor. If you wore heels you ended up in a quarry, if you wore army boots then you arrived for a formal ball, so opting for something of a midpoint hedged your bets both ways. Also there seemed to be an awful lot of running of late, she quite liked it even if it got just a little bit too scary at times.

She could always talk to her secret best friend Alice about the running and the danger. Alice lived in her sofa and ate bars of steel because she was a robot who cleaned the ship for the Doctor, although she was sure the Doctor didn't remember hiring the sweet robot on as a cleaner. Alice went on a lot about someone called Susan who seemed to have been the one who actually let her onto the ship but the Doctor never talked about his past, not even Ben, Polly and Victoria, three people that Jamie talked about all the time!

The Doctor was of course her joint second best friend, he was almost as intelligent as she was but he hid his great mind behind a veneer of charming disarmability. He preferred to let others assume that he was a fool rather than assert his natural superiority over them. Zoe loved him for this, he was like a kindly uncle figure to her, someone she could trust and feel protected by and yet would let her test her strength on her own and in her own way.

Jamie was in some ways kind of like an older brother figure; an often annoying older brother if she was brutally honest with herself. He always assumed an air of superiority which he often couldn't lay claim to, but that didn't mean he wasn't inferior at all. Far from it, for someone from his time and background he was an intellectual giant. Jamie had faced down Daleks, Cybermen and Ice Warriors with equal measures of heroic bravery and respect for their evil aggressions. She loved him just the way he was, and would never want him to change.

 

 

In the room that was once a library, two beings met in silent union, for they had no need of mere words as their god was speaking to them directly into their minds. What can the clumsy undulation of stolen wind through inferior flaps of skin and muscle really convey compared to the direct fusion of minds? Spoken words are analysed, processed, altered, intoned, incanted, shaped, but the thought is pure, random, chaotic, brilliant, free and wild. The imaginations and thoughts being shared to and fro between the parties are quite impossible to relate to any human, because they're being deliberated and projected in no language native to Earth or by a being that was brought into being by the natural laws of that small blue/green world. Also it's quite certain that the controlling creature directing much of the conversation thinks in a way that is completely different to the ape descended hominids that it can bend to its will or throw aside with equal disregard.

 

 

The Doctor gently fussed over the infirm Jamie as he took the young Scotsman's pulse while he looked at a silver pocket watch. "Now then let's see what's wrong with you." He looked at the various reading on the small piece of paper. "Oh dear, well that's not good at all is it?" He paused. "You've got the influenza virus Jamie, not the nastiest member of its particular family but still pretty nasty all the same."

"Och, I keep telling you I feel fine Doctor." Jamie said weakly, trying to pretend that he felt better than he really did.

"Well it's better to be safe than sorry isn't it?" The Doctor tried a kindly smile to cheer Jamie up. "You'll get better Jamie, the TARDIS is concocting an anti-dote for you right now." He looked over as Zoe entered the room in her new outfit. "My you do look pretty Zoe." He paused for a moment. "Now then Jamie here needs complete medical isolation. What he has isn't fatal, but it is rather infectious, so he'll have to stay in here for a while."

"Ah keep telling yeh that I'm fine." Jamie muttered to one of the three swirly and fuzzy Doctors in front of him.

Zoe quickly took a look at the medical notes. "It's just flu Doctor. We cured that simple illness many years ago."

"Years ago for you, Zoe, but that's centuries into Jamie's own personal future." The Doctor reminded Zoe carefully. "Now why don't we go to the control room and give Jamie some privacy? I think it's almost time for tea and cakes."

"I'm just a wee bit tired is all. All that running about recently fair wore me out. You two just sat about in yon prison cell. Is it any wonder I'm in need of a rare sleep?"

The Doctor fished in his pockets, looking for a handkerchief and he pulled out a green stone before putting it back when he found what he was really after, and then he blew his nose.

"Tea and cakes?" Zoe asked, briefly wondering what the Doctor meant but she was guided out of the room quickly by the Doctor, then she realised that the Doctor used it as an excuse to give Jamie some alone time. "Oh, tea and cakes, my favourite."

 

 

Two keen brown eyes watched as the strange blue box began appearing on the street corner, despite the perception filter and the chameleon device Howard knew instantly that it belonged to an old and dear friend. However now was not the time for rushing forward, for handshakes and warm greetings. He would come to him, in the fullness of time. It was the way it must be, for it was foretold and other, darker things were about to begin or had already begun…

 

 

The encroaching night was falling very fast now. The brilliant sunset had long since faded to a meek and dying ember on the distant horizon. The coming dark was hastened on by the ominous leaden clouds overhead that blotted out almost all of what little light remained to the waking world. The greying stone streets drew darker and darker in their shades of grey as gas lamp lighters hurried about their rounds half an hour earlier than they should. Soon dark mosses and lichens were undetectable as the walls joined them in the delumination.

"Admit it Doctor." Zoe said somewhat sternly, without trying to sound whiney but it was getting cold and it was practically night time. "We're lost, aren't we?" Jamie had accused her of being whiney last week and she resolved not to sound in the least bit like she had a complaint to make ever again, well at least not right now.

"Goodness me." The Doctor said excitedly as he turned around to smile broadly to his friend. "Lost? I know exactly where we are. I'm just not sure where about we are…here." He looked around left, right, left again and picked one way at random. "We can ask for directions if we find someone."

Zoe knew for certain that the Doctor would do no such thing, he just said things like that to try and put her at her ease, and generally it just made her feel rather more nervous than she already was before he tried to reassure her. "Where are we going then?"

"Ah." The Doctor's voice perked up even more. "Now that's the question, isn't it? I have absolutely no idea, isn't it exciting? Now, have I told you about the ruins of Manalex Beta...?" He looked to find Zoe lagging behind. "Do keep up Zoe, it doesn't pay to dawdle."

"As if I dawdle." Zoe said to herself as she struggled to keep up with him. For such a small man he could move at real speed if he needed to and it wasn't like they were even running away from anything, as they usually ended up at some point. "I'm not dawdling."

"That's good." The Doctor stopped suddenly. "We're surrounded, aren't we? Yes, you in the shadows. Come out and face us."

"Short man knows nothing." Percival Lowry, or what little that left of him that still called itself by a human name, shuffled out of the shadows into the cold bleak light. "Silly man thinks numbers run the universe. Numbers are as nothing before the fury of He we dare not speak of."

"What is he?" Zoe took the Doctor's arm, to reassure him. "He looks vaguely human, has he had an accident?"

"Well he is human, or rather he was." The Doctor's brow creased as he thought dark things. "Some sort of change, the raw power is too much for the human form. Its changing into a vessel more suitable to contain it, what a pity. Human beings are quite perfect just the way they are. That's one reason why I like them so much."

"Insignificant man's words are as naught before the secret ways of He whom I serve." Percival smiled coldly at the girl. "She will serve us too, or she'll die and then bits of her can be used for the great work."

"I won't serve anyone." Zoe retorted with more bravery than she felt at just that moment in time. "I'm my own woman."

"That's right." The Doctor said in agreement. "She is with me, she's my friend, and you know deep down what I am, who MY people are."

"We fear not the Old Gods, you are as chaff in the wind, you talk and speak and say but you do not do! You are nothing because you dare not touch the living skin of history lest you leave the slightest of footprints!"

"I think perhaps we should go." The Doctor made up his mind and backed slowly away, ushering Zoe with him. "Yes, we should leave." His dignified retreat was, however, blocked by more of the once-human shapes.

 

Emily Lowry smiled coldly at the thing that was one her husband. Her humanity was almost as torn asunder as that of her man, her once slim and attractive figure was warped and bloated by the power inside of her flesh and the monstrous beast within her darkly-turned womb. Nothing human would be issued forth from her loins when its time come round at last. The dark stain of her joyous abomination would slough forth upon the land and she eagerly awaited the time of her being torn asunder by the promised, delicious, agonies of birth.

Motherhood couldn't come soon enough for the cleaving of her corrupted body and the freeing of her warped and insane soul. She would become the baby, suffuse its soulless flesh with her own will and use the new body to do the will of He whom she loved more than any other. She would live forever in that cage of twisted and indestructible being, cursed to remain alive forever in the service and likeness of her god. She looked forward to becoming a monster the like of which had last stepped foot on this world for aeons past.

Howard made his decision and he rushed forward into the melee, he was full of great sound and fury. "Come, Doctor, Miss Zoe, this way!" He grabbed the two friends by their hands and dragged them away before the unholy couple could ensnare them further with their foul words and even fouler deeds.

 

 

In the wilds the ground trembled and shook as the ground split open again and again. What emerged from the hidden city of tunnels and caves were even less connected to humanity that their city-dwelling cousins. These people had once been human but the millennia of isolation, mutation and desolation of the soul had warped them into a whole new species, creatures so utterly pitiless and cruel that they saw nothing wrong with removing the infestation called mankind from the world, in the name of their most perversely beautiful and deliciously malevolent god. They were the children of tomorrow, their kind would taint the soil and bloom like weeds. They would sicken the stars and pollute the cosmos with their ilk, until all were as broken and perverse as they were in the glorious light of destiny.

 

 

The brightly lit tea shop was a world away from the darkened alley they had been in just a hurried ten minutes ago. It was warm and scented to relax the customer and encourage their indulgences. Zoe's right hand trembled slightly as she lifted her cup to her mouth. "What were those creatures?"

"The Lowrys." Howard said sadly. "Once a great family, now reduced to living in the shadows. They fell upon hard times and in their desire they sought greatness so that it might return their star to the prominent position it once had within certain social circles. Alas what they found was far beyond their imagining and it has consumed them utterly, mind, body and soul. They were human beings, once."

The Doctor nodded slowly. "Such things have happened before, yes, there are dark legends on many worlds I've visited Zoe. It seems that one of them has made its home here on Earth, my people fought them once, back at the dawn of time itself. I've forgotten many of the stories, but not the underlying message behind them. You see not all were destroyed completely, some vanished, some ran away and others we never found at all save for their legends and leavings. Not that my people are much better, its just that the winners of any conflict like to paint themselves in the brightest of lights and of course as we've seen behind the lights lie the shadows. They say that my people's greatest leader is somehow undying, that he lies forever in his tomb, they're just stories though, I really wouldn't read anything into them."

"All stories have some meaning." Howard reminded the Doctor. "You said that to me, once."

"Did I?" The Doctor rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Oh dear." He realised that he must meet this man in his own future. "We haven't met yet, at least I haven't met you before today."

"The curse of time travel." Howard nodded. "I'm Howard by the way, just to introduce myself to you. I met you last year, much as you are now, and you Zoe and a man, Jamie. A noble Highland warrior of the finest tradition."

"Jamie's resting right now." The Doctor said carefully. "Events on a previous travel caught up with him in a rather unexpected way."

"So we meet Howard in our future, but his past?" Zoe wondered what it would be like to look back into the past and see things she hadn't done yet. Such was the way of living time like each day was a block in a pile crazy paving bricks.

"We must confront the Lowrys again." Howard said to the others. "They have uttered the incantations twice already. Last time we failed to stop them, this time we must succeed or the Earth will fall into chaos and fire."

"We must succeed, or we won't meet Howard in our future." Zoe said confidently to the Doctor. "Unless time slips backwards."

"Of course it isn't. However if we fail now and we somehow escape back into the past to try once again." The Doctor frowned. "Oh my giddy aunt, what if we fail?"

"Then all of history will be undone." Howard said sternly. "Time is the fire in which we burn."

"That's wrong in every sense of the word." The Doctor said casually. "Time is cold and tastes rather like strawberry ice cream. Or is it vanilla?"

 

 

The full assembly walked into the summoning room, one after the other. They were people who were once friends, colleagues, neighbours, random strangers pulled off the street and shown the truth. They were once human, but now they cherished what had become of their flesh. Twisted limbs, twisted minds and twisted souls, they had all been shown the largest of all pictures and their minds shattered into insanity in the first instant only to be put back together as something utterly different…alien. All loved and feared He whom they served and wished to spend an eternity of dark rapture with.

 

 

"We can banish their false god if we disrupt their summoning in time." Howard said to Zoe as they walked to the Lowry house. "Failing that then we may have to resort to violence I'm afraid to say."

"Violence is never the answer." Zoe said wisely. "More often it's the problem."

"Fire must be fought with fire." The Doctor mumbled. "Sometimes the only way to stop a forest fire is to burn the forest down before hand. What a pity though, I rather like forests, well trees. Who wants a game of conkers?" He pulled a couple of conkers out of one pocket. "The winner gets a jelly baby."

"Now is not the time for games." Howard said boldly. "However preferable they may be to what we must do now."

"Why can't we contact your people, Doctor?" Zoe asked the obvious question.

"Me? Ask them for help?" The Doctor was shocked by the very concept. "There's no circumstance in the universe that would cause me to do such a thing. They would probably do something absurd like put me on trial so they could fool themselves into thinking it's justice. They have no idea of the concept, believe me. No, Zoe, We'll handle this ourselves. In fact I think Howard and I can manage, perhaps you could go back to the TARDIS to check on Jamie?"

"I'm staying here with you." Zoe said firmly. "Someone has to make sure you don't get into any sort of trouble, like when you were caught stealing one of Hannibal's elephants."

 

 

The droning of the chants began, the utterly alien language of the Elders would be unspeakable with a human tongue but those chanting had long since ceased to worry about that problem as their bodies had very little human left in them and their minds none at all. Humanity had just been a set of blinkers to stop them seeing sideways to that which lurks on the bounds of reality. Now they saw everything and they revelled in their fall from grace, to become creatures of infinite malevolence and cruelty. They would slaughter billions of men, women, children and the fun would be in finding new and interesting ways into making each and every one of them die screaming and begging them for a merciful release. None would come of course because pity was one of the first emotions they lost, thank Him.

"They've started!" Howard yelled as he rushed into the room and waylaid the first figure to rise and try to stop him.

"What do we have to do?" Zoe asked the two men.

"Try to silence them." The Doctor said as he ducked down below a rather clumsy swing.

Zoe yelled as she ran and jumped up onto the back of the nearest figure, she was whirled around and around before she was spun off into someone else, who fell to the floor breaking her fall. She picked up what looked like a book and she hit someone else with it. "Stop chanting!"

"The portal's opening!" Howard yelled.

"There's something outside!" Zoe said and looked out of the nearest window, she screamed when she saw the shambling mass of monsters.

"We're trapped!" Howard yelled.

"Try not to panic everyone." The Doctor looked this way and that as he tried not to panic himself. "Oh dear, this isn't good, not good at all."

"What are we going to do?" Zoe looked to the Doctor, the one man she knew always had an answer (eventually) for every situation.

"I'm really not sure." The Doctor replied. "I'll try to think of something."

 

 

 

Overhead the constellations swung about to and fro into very different locations in the moonless sky. Eastern shapes moved to the north, and so on at random until they were aligned in the perfect geometric pattern to allow the portal unlimited power. The stars were right, the gateway opened like an angry diseased eye. The portal shone with the light of a diseased sun as the way opened for the thing that should not be.

 

 

"We've failed!" Howard yelled to the room, as all around him the shambling monstrosities shed their rags to reveal just how very far from their humanity they had fallen. "What in god's name are you? What have you done to yourself?"

"We are the children of He whom we love. This body is born anew in his glory. The human form is weak, pathetic, foolish. This body will last me until the very end of time itself!" Percival Lowry said in a quite inhuman voice. "Yes! He is coming! He rises! Yes! He rises!"

The Doctor put his hands in his pockets as he was flummoxed and didn't know what else to do. "We've failed." He said gravely. Then his hand fell onto the green stone he found earlier, some sort of emerald, yes. An emerald, from his home planet, of course. The facets all refracted and reflected the light into its infinite depths. It might just be enough, if he could trap the energy of the portal inside of it then perhaps, yes, perhaps. The energy would be trapped into one perfect moment of time, caught between the tick and the tock of the universal clock. "Zoe, put this on the floor, in that beam of light. Yes, that's it, good girl Zoe."

Zoe did as the Doctor said and instantly the unholy light of the forming portal vanished as it was drawn into the pretty green jewel. "What's happened?"

"I've turned the gem into a prison." The Doctor mopped his brow with his handkerchief. "We've succeeded, I think."

"Nooooooooo!" Emily Lowry said as the unnatural energy was sucked out of her body and into the emerald, the others were dying too, turning to dust as the power of their god was drained out of them, what little of her humanity remained became a few warped pieces of bone and rotten maggoty meat coated in a fine sprinkling of the powdered remains.

 

 

The creatures outside the house began to beat their fists harder upon the doors and walls of the building. They had been cut off from their God before His moment of arrival and they wanted vengeance! It would be a long time before the stars were right again for another attempt to bring Him back here, to His new home where they would love Him and serve Him. This was not the time of revelation, vengeance would have to wait, for another time. They were patient, very patient. They turned and left, what were centuries, millennia or aeons to those that walked in the emptiness of eternity?

 

 

The Doctor looked out of the window to see the creatures leaving. "They've given up!" He laughed and clapped his hands together. "They'll be back though, one day. That which is not dead, which can eternal lie." He mused to himself. "Yet with strange aeons, even death may die." It was an old saying, from the dark times, when his people were young and foolish and fought many wars they didn't need to fight. Of course when they conquered time itself they turned to even darker forms of pleasure. It was said that one of the first presidents brought the first combatants to the Death Zone. But that was all idle fancy, they were the lingering remains of a long dead god. They didn't know that their dark master had been killed a long time ago by creatures even more savage and barbaric, ones that now dared to call him a meddler and a renegade! "We should go Zoe, we really should get back to Jamie. I really ought to check up on him, make sure he's comfortable."

 

 

Beneath the barren wasteland outside of the city the people returned to their cold dark citadel and resumed their low chanting. The architecture of the citadel resembled their god in many ways, the building had odd architecture that allowed it to be much bigger on the inside than the outside suggested it should be. They had long since stopped noticing this and instead focused upon their long wait. One day the hunter of the shadows would descend from the heavens and place His ebon palace upon the flaccid shell of this world. The broken remnants of humanity would become the proud children of tomorrow once their bodies are reshaped and repurposed, to make them into useful tools for certain plans.

 

 

The night sky was quite its normal shape again. The stars were back in their proper places and the storm clouds did not return as more than one threat had now passed the city by.

Howard walked back home, his mind expanded by what he had seen but could not prove. His psyche was teetering on the edge of reason and the only way he could really make sense of things was to write it all down, change this and that, make it less real in some ways and more real in others.

He would turn the event from an all too real document into a story, a fictional narrative. He would invent a whole pantheon around the core concepts to further remove the truth of it from his conscious mind. He could lose himself safely in the world of his imagination in a way he never could in the real world.

He would invite others too to share in his ideas, make them his own and thus he could further dilute the realness of the event from his mind. He thought of the Doctor and Zoe, how he had met them earlier in his life when he was a younger man.

His past was their future and he was remembering now long forgotten things from that earlier encounter. A different tribe of monsters all together, yet their goal had been eerily familiar, the domination of Earth and the eradication of all human life. It was more source material for his writing, he had so much to do and not enough time to do it in.

He remembered other things too, the creeping chaos, the shambling hordes, the creeping nightmares, the tortured souls devoured by creatures that were half human and half dog. Beings that made the ancient Egyptian gods look frighteningly tame and unrealistic with heads of animal designs found nowhere in nature except the ancient stone fossils in his local museum.

 

 

"Jamie!" Zoe said loudly as she saw him up and about in the TARDIS hospital room. "You're better."

"Well of course I am." Jamie replied with a mock rough tone, before smiling broadly. "It'll take more than a few wee beasties to keep a good Scotsman down."

"I of course had complete faith in the TARDIS." The Doctor smiled as he shook Jamie's hand. "Still it's good to see that you're feeling well again."

"Och aye." Jamie said. "I've got a fair headache though. Yer contraption may have cured my body but it can't do anything for ma heid though."

The Doctor picked up a tub of paracetamol from a shelf. "Take two of these with a glass of water, you'll soon feel better. Now who's for a nice meal bar? I think I've got the machine worked out now, it hardly ever gets confused now I've had a go at it with my sonic screwdriver."

Zoe smiled to herself and knew for a fact that he friend Alice had cured the machine by having a good long chat with it robot to robot, she even had a date with it tomorrow night and she was looking forward to helping her mechanical friend to get herself ready for it.

 

 

Across the universe on a charred cinder orbiting a dead star stood a furnace blasted, fire pitted and decay ravaged palace. Inside of it's blackened walls slurped a vast and ancient being, a relic from the very start of the universe.

The old one sat alone and mad in its castle of obscene dimensions, its bulk was contained within the impossibly large throne room whose geometry was composed of angles that were obtuse when they should have been acute.

The cyclopean stone walls were carved in a language none had spoken aloud for billions of years and the creature that could read them drooled inky ichor as its mind thought incomprehensible things.

It survives, it lives, it will return, when the stars are right…

An extra extra: a side-step of sorts

So, now you've digested and enjoyed Rachel's first tale for the series (the next will be online in mere days), here is the first draft of the story that was originally going to take this slot. The reason why it wasn't subsequently used is due to the trouble I had getting in contact with the author regarding revisions to the text.


It's an enjoyable tale, but I didn't want to put it out as part of the series without the author having a chance to amend it. The author of the story goes by the username of Omega89 over on the Gallifreybase forums (there's a link to the site on this very page), and I hope you enjoy the story that could have been....

The Planet the Universe Forgot

by Omega89

The Universe was crying. A shower of glistening meteorites plunged silently through the black void of space, like extraterrestrial tears. They spiralled downwards, shrinking as they burned away, a trail of beautiful star-dust left glittering in their wake. It was a tiny moment within the endless stretch of eternity, but it mattered.

It didn’t matter to the infinite number of alien races who spread pain and anguish throughout the many worlds they populated, nor the many life forms who simply lived in blissful ignorance of anything approaching natural beauty.

But it mattered to the Doctor.

He was perched on a lonely asteroid, legs crossed, the unmistakable shape of the TARDIS looming behind him. He was taking some time out, after a series of rather stressful adventures. Peri hadn’t been gone long, and the ancient Time Lord was still dwelling on his loss. She’d been a good friend. A very good friend.

But there was something else, too. Something gnawing at the back of his mind. Something distant…

He was jolted abruptly from his worried pondering by a ferocious shudder that seemed to be coming from the TARDIS. Without a thought, he leapt to his feet and flung himself inside the ship, hammering his fingers over the controls.

“That didn’t sound good,” he muttered, perhaps to himself, or the TARDIS, “Where did that noise come from…?”

He broke off his sentence when he noticed a harsh flash of red blaze aggressively from a switch. It was warning of severe time distortion.

The TARDIS roared again, jolting and lurching backwards and forwards, sending the Doctor crashing to his feet. For a split second, he seemed to fall backwards through time…there was a bomb, and explosion, screaming….And then everything stopped. No roaring, no jolting. Just the Doctor, on the floor, rubbing an aching head.

“Well, that was a bit of a to do. Dear me, you are getting a little melodramatic in your old age aren’t you?” he snapped at the TARDIS, as he heaved himself to his feet, “Let’s see where we are. If I were to be optimistic I’d say Blackpool, on a nice sunny day in mid-June…”

He switched on the monitor, which revealed thick mounds of dense fog, coalescing and drifting lazily through a morose, dead jungle.

“Alas, not,” the Doctor said, giving the console a friendly pat all the same.



She saw him emerge from the blue box, squinting through the marsh gases. Yes, it had to be him. He didn’t fit the description, but it was him alright. It had to be! Just the man she needed for a dangerous expedition like this. Thank the stars, fate seemed to be on her side.

She watched him, in his spectacularly coloured coat, wandering through the melancholy jungle, touching and caressing the brittle trees. His face was a mask of interest. A true explorer.



“Ahem.”

The Doctor wheeled around, and saw a figure emerge from the shadows. She was tall, with flowing black hair and a shapely body. Her lips were lush red, and her eyes dazzled with fierce intelligence.

“And who might you be?” the Doctor asked cautiously, frowning at his new acquaintance.

“So rude,” the girl replied, taking a hefty swig from a flask attached to her belt, “I expected better manners from you Doctor.”

“How do you know my name?”

“Oh, who doesn’t? I’m a time traveler darling. I know all about you. I’m Alice by the way. Loving the jacket. Very distinctive.”

The Doctor couldn’t help but smile at the compliment, but he soon batted it away. “Alice. Time traveler. I’d imagine you were the one who sent my TARDIS haywire then? What are you doing here? In fact, where is here?”



“Oh love, so many questions!” she strolled up to the Doctor, and grinned suggestively, “This is the home of the Yawning Demon. The ancient, lost relic of a sadistic alien race. Legend has it, that during the first great Time War, this planet was pulled out of the known Universe, tucked away in a corner. Where all of its’ secrets can stay a mystery…”



“Then, Madame, how on earth did you get here? I was just relaxing and then you…”

Alice pressed a delicate finger to the Doctors’ lips to silence him, and she winked. “Met an American guy in the fiftieth century. He leant me time and vortex manipulator. I’ll give it him back, one day…I use it to go exploring, having adventures…Just like you really.”

The Doctor sniffed.



“I’m going now. Nice to meet you Alice, but really-”

An ear-shredding scream cut the Doctor off, slicing through the dead silence.

Alice raised an eyebrow. She knew what was coming next.



“Let’s go and investigate!”



The Doctor threw caution to the wind, and ran into the darkness, Alice racing after him. They tore through dead leaves and twigs, their feet occasionally slipping through patches of wet mud. Eventually, the pair reached an opening, illuminated by the large green moon which hung sadly in the black sky. Alice leaned against a tree to catch her breath back, whilst the Doctor observed the clearing.



“At least the fogs’ lifted,” he muttered, “but where did that scream come from?”



He scratched the back of his left ear with his right hand, and spun around to Alice to see if she was ok.



She merely nodded, unable to speak. And then she saw it. Her mouth opened in astonishment, and she pointed a shaking finger in the direction of what it was she had seen.

The Doctor followed her gaze, and, to her utter disbelief, he shrugged.

“It’s only a statue Alice. Well, actually, it looks like a cave opening.”

“That’s the Yawning Demon!” she gasped, and the girl fell to the ground.

“Fascinating. Shall we go and have a look? See what’s so mysterious about it?”

He held out a hand for her to take, and they both strode in the direction of the Yawning Demon.

It was, essentially, a stone carving. A big, ugly monster yawning. Its’ open mouth led into a deep cave that burrowed through a black mountain. In preparation, the Doctor whipped out a torch.

“Be careful,” Alice said to him, and he chuckled.

“I’m always careful Alice. Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing.”

She didn’t see him stroke his cat badge for luck, as they both ventured into the cave.



Somewhere, he watched. Watched as he suffered in agony. Burns and sores searing through his body. It was he who had sent the TARDIS here. He who wanted to see the Doctor dead. Dead for the pain and misery he had brought to thousands in a different incarnation. It was he who had screamed, to lure him here. To his doom.



“It’s dark,” Alice mumbled uselessly.

“Of course it’s dark, it’s a cave. Hence the torch!”



The Doctor had noticed that Alice was much quieter than before, more subdued. It amused him.

“Cold as well. And quiet.”



“Indeed. Alice, can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”



“How do you know me? Truthfully? Have we met before?”



“No Doctor. I’ve just heard of you. Of your adventures. Of the blood on your hands…”



The Doctor almost dropped his torch in shock, and he wheeled around to face the girl. He was about to speak, when something happened. The walls began to glow and shudder, and voices began to mumble through the cracks in the rock.



“Oh my God! Doctor, this is it. The secret of the Yawning Demon!”

Light suddenly burst out of every crevice in the cave, and images began to appear in the air. This time, the Doctor did drop his torch. He couldn’t believe his eyes.



Within the shining, golden lights were moving images of planets, places, people, and galaxies, from across time and space. History, past and future, were playing out before them.



There was the third great Dalek War, the Battle of Hastings, the solar flares that destroyed the earth, the fall of Metebilis IV, the marriage of King Peladon to his bride…



“This is the secret of the Planet the Universe Forgot…” the Doctor said, dumbfounded, “It…it has the history of eternity locked within it….”

“How though?” Alice asked, terrified at some of the things she could see. Armies of Cybermen, creatures she’d only heard about in stories before.

The Doctor had no answer. He gaped in terror at an image of himself, in an earlier body, running away from an exploding bomb…

There was a sudden flash, and Alice disappeared.

“No!” the Doctor bellowed, knowing that she had escaped via the vortex manipulator. There were so many unanswered questions.



Spinning round, he ran towards the exit of the cave. He’d seen enough. Seeing the future always unsettled him, and this planet had an evil air about it. It was best left forgotten.

Once out in the open, the Doctor headed straight for his beloved TARDIS. For once, he didn’t want to explore. He didn’t want to know who had screamed. He wanted to escape.



He was so caught up in running and avoiding man-sized holes in the ground that he had no idea he was being chased. The figure was gaining on him fast, but the Doctor had the advantage. Reaching the TARDIS, he quickly unlocked the door and leapt inside with a gasp.



The figure stopped. He knew he’d meet the Doctor again. Maybe not yet, but one day…

He watched as the TARDIS faded away, that burning void in the pit of his soul burning ever more. Hatred fuelled his passion for the Doctor’s death.

He couldn’t run forever….



The Doctor was sat on the floor of his beloved ship, his head in his hands. He couldn’t comprehend what had just happened on that planet. Nothing at all made sense. There were so many unanswered questions. And he could have sworn, right there at the end, that he was being followed.

Digging in to his jacket pocket, he felt something unfamiliar. Pulling the small object out, he noticed it to be a green emerald.



What was that doing there? He didn’t recall picking one up. Shoving it back into a capacious pocket, he struggled to his feet and began wandering around the TARDIS console. He had bigger worries on his mind at the moment.



According to Alice, he had blood on his hands. And she was talking about a very specific moment in the Doctors’ past.



The Doctor understood now why the Universe always seemed to be crying…

Trudiode and the Doctor - Extras

Ok, apologies for being a day or two later than planned but Rachel has given me some little extra bits and pieces to pop up here, so pop them up here I shall.

So, first off, a little bit more Trudiode prose goodness....

Extras are good, a little sweetner to make the experience that much better. They are aimed at those already invested in the main attraction but can also serve as a teaser or hook too. Exclusivity is the key, making something hard to get can be a good way of attracting the completists. Trudiode likes shoes, she really does because she's programed that way, but not all shoes are equal. What sepeates a normal pair of £50 shoes from the £700 one that can only be obtained at midnight from a secret location that can only be located by following a complex series of clues and hints? The investment of time and effort can be their own reward, after all if Trudiode goes to so much trouble to obtain one little hard to obtain pair of shoes then it's so much easier for her to go for the more common-place shoes afterwards. One hand washes the other so to speak, Trudiode uses lemon scented oil to clean her hands. Now back to the nature of rewards, the reward can be obtaining it, a quest, a little effort, going out of your way to find something. Did you know Trudiode was on that planet looking for shoes? That's why I mentioned them in the example, of course had she simply found the shop and not got lost and met the Doctor then her life would have been very different and probably a lot shorter, but she ended up with Violet and together they adopted Robona so that they could have a family. Then Trudiode got a job in a shoe shop and she got to wear all the shoes she wanted so something work out for the best.

Rachel has also been good enough to supply some artwork for your delectation, and here it is...

Trudiode and the Doctor

So here it is, story number 2. Very different in style to The Cold Hand of Time, but wonderful and funny and very enjoyable! Rachel has kindly supplied me with some extras, which I shall put up soon, including some artwork! Watch this space...


But for now, sit back, relax and enjoy.....

 

 

Trudiode and the Doctor

By Rachel Morgan

 

 

This is a story, but you knew that already, so on with the prose. The TARDIS console room is not its usual minimalist white, in fact you can't even see it for all the clouds of smoke and the mad whirling shape of colour that was in fact its owner, pilot, best friend and neurologist, the Doctor. As some of us may know, the Doctor is a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, a place so dull that even the libraries close early. In fact the books not only have dust on them but the senile old librarians have dust on them as well. Also it smells a bit like wee, but don't tell them that in case it was the fault of the person you complained to. Think of a rather unhygienic geriatric ward an hour after the orange juice has arrived, in summer, and all of the windows are locked, and double it. Now double it again and let the complaining begin…

 

The TARDIS is not usually like this dear reader, it's usually calm and serene and placid, unless someone makes a remark about food, weight or diets, then its louder than a disco inside of a volcano next to a nuclear bomb testing area in the middle of a planetary extinction event. Then again the TARDIS isn't usually found spiralling down into the atmosphere with no safety systems in place to protect the insides from something difficult, like say the outside for instance.

 

The Doctor has tried hitting things with a hammer, he's tried shouting like he usually does in those console room scenes on the telly, he's tried saying really long words and he's even tried prayers but all with no avail. Now he's trying to operate the controls just to see if they'll do something novel like save his life and possibly the one after that too if the crash is really bad.

 

Normally when something small like the outside of the TARDIS hits something big like the planet below no real harm is done outside of the localised crater, but when something large like the pocket universe inside of the TARDIS hits something small like the planet below then the planet is in really serious trouble and I won't even mention what might happen if the Eye of Harmony opens, we just do not want to go there, ok? It involves weird things from the Paul McGann telly movie like temporal orbits and no-one likes to get their heads around a paradox because the outside might just end up on the inside.

 

Luckily though a few controls seem to work and the TARDIS no longer seems to be so much as crashing as landing really badly, on someone, it's really not going to be her day is it?

 

 

Enough of that fancy pseudo-intellectual whiney-piney girly mush, time to set the record straight. I am not mad!!!!! I am VERY sane!!!!! My name is Aldrich and I'm here to kill the Doctor. Apparently he's based on a different actor now, I guess that's one way to keep a mildly diverting kids show on the air for longer. Sack the star when they demand too much money and put someone no-one's heard of into the role because they're cheaper and easier to control. Well now they'll have to come up with a new gimmick because I'm going to kill your hero!!!!!

 

 

Trudiode switched one optic back on as she realised she hadn't been turned into a pile of really pretty scrap metal by the falling blue box thingy. "Thank goodness I'd just been to the little robot's room ten minutes ago." She went over to the blue box to see if she could find a contact number she could complain to. Robots in this story like to contact people, they like making new friends and it's even better if they have something to talk about to their new friends. This is why your internet connection sometimes slows down for no explainable reason. "This one has its own inbuilt telephone." She tried to open the hatch but it was jammed. "Maybe the magic wishing pixie will grant my wish?"

 

The Doctor opened the TARDIS doors and emerged outside to find a robot trying to break the door. "Please leave my TARDIS alone."

"You tried to kill me!" Trudiode said loudly. "That thing nearly fell on me!"

"Sorry." The Doctor apologised. "I only just managed to regain control in time."

"I wouldn't mind the first time, but you reversed and came back at me!" Trudiode felt the second attempt on her life was uncalled for.

"I'm very sorry." The Doctor said again. "Where am I anyway?"

"The street." Trudiode replied. "This is where we're standing. I'm called Trudiode, I'm wearing earrings."

"Very fetching they are too. I am known as the Doctor. I mean to ask, what planet is this?" The Doctor asked the robot. "Are you wearing make up?"

"Of course." Trudiode replied, after all she was up to date with all the latest fashion files. "I like to make myself look pretty."

"Do all the robots on this planet wear make up?" The Doctor really hasn't learned a thing about women despite travelling around the universe with twenty or so different ones over the long years of his midlife crisis. Why else do you think he really left the planet valued reader? Most people just get a flashy sports car or a boob job and have an affair with someone, but the Doctor ran away from home, maybe it was a really hot day and the smell of wee was really bad?

"Not all of us." Trudiode said trying to get the story back on track. "I'm a pretty robot. Some robots are non-pretty."

"You mean you're female? And those non-pretty robots you mentioned are male?" The Doctor ventured a guess.

"Usually, but not always." Trudiode wondered if the biological being was unaware of the centuries of robot culture and their historic struggle for freedom, toys, games and make up rights.

"I see." The Doctor said. "Do you know the name of this planet?" The Time Lord hopes for a vaguely helpful reply at some point in this story.

 

Trudiode looked up the answer in her helpful book of facts; most of the information had been carefully gleaned from years of patient observation and careful questioning. Informative information like which colour Tellytubby is Dipsy is not in the public domain for just anyone to know, that would be silly. Only true fans of the Tellytubbies would track down the information, as it should be. Trudiode casually wondered if the sort of human being in front of her was a cross between Laa-Laa and a parrot. "This planet is called f78etpvgfvbi, there's no human translation, sorry. How is my human by the way? I did a course at night school; I was top of the class."

"You speak human very well." The Doctor tried to be nice; he hadn't learned any machine languages at all in the 900 years of his life. "You speak it far better than some humans I know."

 

 

Look at the Doctor, a fat man in a bad suit. He could be your bank manager if he didn't look like a pillock!!!!! That suit looks like someone with special needs designed it and now I think I'm going to have to shoot him with a laser blaster!!!!! Dammit, missed!!!!!

 

 

The Doctor's age is a cause for some controversy as he's gained and lost age with regular inconsistency. I think its best to simply consider that it's all a work of fiction, not all of the bits add up and sometimes there's mistakes but just try to ignore them and focus on the story and all the pretty special effects that look good right now but in twenty years time someone on the world inter web net will call naff.

 

 

I'd better scarper before the cops see me!!!!!

 

 

Policebeing 248 walked over to the pretty robot and the strange non-robot person in the mad coat. "Good afternoon, I'm arresting you both for being next to a strange blue monolith. My personal religion file has classified this box is an icon of worship and so it's jail for both of you."

"That is my home." The Doctor said to the Policebeing. "I live in there."

"So you're a vagrant as well as loitering with intent to possibly do something?" Policebeing 248 was sure he could pin a dozen other unsolved crimes on the duo of hardened criminals. Obviously the robot was some sort of unwilling accomplice; there was no way a nice robot would normally associate with anyone in those clothes willingly.

"Run for it!" The Doctor said to the robot and took hold of her hand.

"I'm not that type of robot!" Trudiode said as she gave chase so that she could get her hand back from the maybe human.

"Obviously that deranged bureaucrat is applying the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law." The Doctor wanted to be angry at someone but he felt it unfair to have a go at the robot; after all he'd very recently nearly killed her by accident, twice. "We should find a place to hide. Do you think he'd recognise you again?"

"I hope so." Trudiode liked to think she stood apart to her 8973 mass-produced and nearly identical sisters. "I don't think anyone else wears this colour paint of pink around their speech output area."

"You mean your mouth?" The Doctor asked. "It's, um, very…nice?"

"Thanks, I was worried it made me look a little tarty. I mean its one thing to look nice and pretty, but I wouldn't want to look like a tart. I mean what robot would?"

"Maybe we should try hiding somewhere over there?" The Doctor looked at a convenient alley.

"I asked you what robot wants to look like a tart." Trudiode said.

"I don't know many robots." The Doctor admitted. "Maybe, um, a tarty robot?" He hoped he'd said the right answer.

"That's right." Trudiode nodded in agreement. "You see them more and more these days, robots wearing short skirts and they panel beat their chests out to ridiculous proportions. I'm a very fashionable shape and my skirt is the correct length for this season's style. Ok the shoes may be a little nicer than some robots prefer but you have to look nice if you want to feel nice about yourself. You obviously disagree, wearing that jacket I mean."

"What is wrong with this jacket?" The Doctor demanded.

"It's so last season." Trudiode replied. "Last year was clashing colours and weird patterns; this season is more about complimentary colours and pleasing patterns."

"Oh." The Doctor mulled this over. "I always liked to be one year ahead of the fashion trends. Maybe its time I bought something from next years fashion?" He walked over to a jacket shop. "Yes, that blue one looks nice. I'll buy that one." Just like that he fitted into the esoteric continuity of reality even more so than before.

"Is blue the in colour next year?" Trudiode asked.

"It will be." The Doctor smiled to himself. "I do get around; I'll pop along to London Fashion Week and dazzle them with this."

"Does sir have an authorised credit stick?" Salesbot ifug-465 asked.

"I'll just pay cash." The Doctor too out a bag of varied moneies and a large green emerald. "I wish I could remember where I picked this up, it's very pretty. Take what monies you need, there's something of everything in there. I have no use for the stuff really; I used to collect money a long time ago, before I got into music in a big way. Did you know I was almost a back up session musician for Lady Gaga?"

"Cash is illegal." Trudiode advised her potentially new friend while looking at the pretty green sparkly rock and imagining it being turned into nice earrings. "The penalty for offering cash to a jacket seller is death."

"What?" The Doctor asked. "Who made up that rule?"

"The credit card company, they own the whole galaxy." Salesbot ifug-465 replied. "I've called the police; they'll be here soon to kill you. Have a nice day."

"Have a nice day?" The Doctor was shocked. "Have a nice day?! How can I have a nice day if I'm about to be shot at by a gun totting maniac on a world where cash is illegal? Who makes all this rubbish up anyway?"

"The law is the law." Salesbot ifug-465 said casually, reading his lines from the sheet of paper stuck to the wall next to him.

"He's a tourist." Trudiode didn't know what the word meant but she'd heard it used by visitors to the planet as an excuse to avoid being killed.

"Oh, you should have said." Salesbot ifug-465 said regretfully. "Tourists are allowed clemency for a first offence."

"Well there was the mix up with the blue box." Trudiode said to the Doctor, "so this really isn't a first offence. So it's probably death, and just when I was going to suggest we go back to my place where you could hide from that Policebeing as well, oh dear. My sadness circuit is really playing up now."

"Lead the way!" The Doctor headed towards the exit as quickly as he could, pushing Trudiode ahead of him possibly with the intention of using her as some sort of anti-bullet shield.

"Where are we going?" Trudiode asked. "Why am I in the lead if I don't know where we're going? Do you know where we're going? Let's go over there to the lingerie section, or maybe not. The doors it is, bye everyone."

 

 

Maybe the best way to kill an irritating blond man is to drop an anvil on his head? Just to make sure I'm going to use a skip full of 53 anvils!!!!! Dammit the release mechanism has jammed!!!!!

 

 

The major religions of the planet our characters are on in this story can be divided into three groups, those that like to kill non-believers, those that don't and those that make them kill themselves through jealousy and envy at not being part of the inner circle of those allowed to worship the strange unexplainable visitation of Our Lady of the Party. Basically one devout monk saw the visitation of a strange woman in a party dress stumbling across the cloisters at 4am and since we women were not allowed in the monastery, ever, it had to be some sort of religious manifestation because otherwise it would be unthinkable to consider that some sort of boozy hen party had infiltrated a holy site of worship and desecrated it with our evil feminine ways, and since then it became a strange hypnotic cult that allowed its members to pay a small fortune to see a replica of the dress and even more to wear it for a while! A similar incident in Europe during the dark ages led to the creation of the Malleus Maleficarum and all sorts of weird fall out is still littered throughout every European society to this day as a result of this. It wasn't even as if Romana had intended to cause any harm and how is an alien woman supposed to know the difference between a dress and the Pope's robes when they basically look the same? What if the pope wore one of my dresses by mistake? I think this story has taken a wrong turn somewhere…

 

 

Blimey the mob is after me!!!!!

 

 

Trudiode considered it very good fortune that she and her strange new friend had found a nice place to hide from the strange angry mob of people. "It's not usually this exciting. I've never been chased down a street before."

"It happens to me in quite a few stories." The Doctor admitted to his potentially new travelling companion. "I'm still not sure where all those burning torches and pitchforks came from, it was like they were already carrying them concealed about their person."

"Maybe they were a rentamob?" Trudiode considered the possibility of finding somewhere nice that sold pretty shoes; she liked to think of fashion at times like these as it helped her not to focus on reality which was very strange and often confusing if non-robots were doing strange non-robotic things. "I wonder where we are?"

"Welcome to the Church of Partiology." Tim Drive said to the potential new recruits. "That will be 64 gysu each. That's including the special reduced entrance fee discount."

"I can buy three pairs of shoes for that!" Trudiode would much rather spend her money on shoes.

"Do you take cash?" The Doctor hoped there wouldn't be a repeat performance of the earlier outrage in the story.

"Luckily today is our special cash payment day." Tim smiled and wondered if the robot's strange pet parrot was trained to say more than just ask about simple cash transactions.

"He's paying." Trudiode said. "I'm far too pretty and nice to pay for things with cash. Are you wearing a gold lame cocktail dress?"

"Yes, it's my turn to wear the holy relic today." Tim explained with a smile. "It's our most holy item of religious devotion. For more money I can show you the holy shoes and for all the cash you'll earn in the future I can let you see the handbag of the lady. Legend has it that she dropped it when she bent over a rose bush to be sick on it. It's a sacred item."

"I have a handbag already." Trudiode was confused; religion always made her processor think it was faulty when it wasn't.

"All other handbags are a mere echo of the one true handbag." Tim said to the confused robot. "Give me more money now."

"There's a name inside this bag." The Doctor looked inside of it. "Perpugilliam Brown! Peri! This is Peri's handbag! She's my friend. I'd better return this to her at once, I should pop by and see her and Ycarnos as I did miss their wedding. This handbag can be the perfect gift for her."

"I never saw that episode." Trudiode looked up some old episodes on her mobile phone. "How come you used to dress nicely? Is this the next you?"

"Spoilers!" The Doctor said sharply before the paragraph ended sud…

 

 

Dear editor, why-oh-why can't I kill the fat man? I'm due my revenge, I'm entitled to it and I will have my revenge of deadly vengeance!!!!! What do you mean Steven Moffat has put a cease and desist order on that line?

 

 

The chase sequence is a classic staple of the silent era of film making. Very little narration is needed to inform the viewer what is going on because all the main clues are visually provided. Alas for the written page there are no visuals, so great lengths of detail are needed to describe the mob, the twisty-turny nature of the chase, the near-escapes, the escalation of events as more and more people join in as for one reason or another they are sucked into the narrative device to turn a mere fracas into a brouhaha. Luckily for you dear reader you are saved all of this tortuous and pedantic writing because this is a short story and not a Buster Keaton film. Although Harold Lloyd was rather good wasn't he and he did all his own stunts too.

 

 

Laugh? I thought I'd stab him in the head, but I missed. Does anyone have a bandage? I think I need a nurse!!!!!

 

 

Trudiode was pulled to the safety of the mysterious alleyway by the Doctor and they stood in silence as the crowd ran past their hiding place. The robot wondered if she could make the time pass more pleasantly for the reader if she played the accordion or perhaps the drums, but she didn't have any musical instruments to hand so she didn't raise the subject of entertainment while you wait. "I wonder where they're all off to?"

"They were chasing us." The Doctor said using his 3^rd best astonishment tone. "You wore the divine dress without payment."

"It does suit me." Trudiode also had the sacred shoes and the holy handbag. "Now what shall we do? We could go to the oil exchange, I'm very thirsty."

"Oil exchange?" The Doctor was mystified.

"You don't know much about robots, do you?" Trudiode had heard that biology was not always compatible with technology, just look at the way humans in the late 20^th century treated their VCR's!

"You drink oil?" The Doctor guessed. "Animal, vegetable?"

"Semi synthetic for choice." Trudiode replied. "It's all in the taste. It's like the difference between spoons and other forms of metal cutlery. Spoons have that scoopy texture."

"K9 never liked drinking oil." The Doctor mused to himself as he remembered Image of the Fendahl. "Or Kamelion, I first met him during The King's Demons. In fact I've never met a robot that likes to drink oil. Not even the Raston Warrior Robot."

"You don't get out much then." Trudiode said. "All robots drink oil, like you non-robots eat bits of dead things." She'd done a one day course of biology once and thought she knew the basics about them. "You're not going to do anything weird are you? I'd like advance notice if you are." Trudiode hadn't read the next bit of the story in advance and so she was trying to wing it as best she could.

 

 

That's better. Now let's see if this bomb will do the job…!!!!!

 

 

The thing about robots is not their curious fascination with the complexity of human-made toys, or their strange interest in wearing fashionable items made out of metal or metallic fragments, but it is their strange obsession with detail. For instance a robot might be distracted by a great new toy by a thief, and she might casually observe the thief's strange new clothes but she'd defiantly describe in detail the thief's appearance, accent, distinguishing features and other items of information needed by the police before returning her attention to the fun-ness of the toy she'd been distracted by. So for our protagonists they can be sure that the robot police have very accurate descriptions of them, possibly even paintings done in oils or charcoal (never a watercolour unless the robot was in a severe artistic mood) and the police are on their way to apprehend the suspects and perhaps question them politely with tea and cakes on the menu. After all it never does to be impolite to a guest, that's not the robotic way of doing things; all suspects thrown repeatedly down the stairs are offered first choice of the really nice biscuits for their trouble.

 

 

Why does the robot like him so much? He's basically a sociopath; I'm doing everyone a favour by killing him!!!!! Now let's see if this large pie stuffed full of dynamite will work. I don't believe it, it's not working!!!!! Maybe it needs a new detonator?

 

 

Trudiode was wondering if she should try accessing her cookery files to find something in them that her non-mechanical friend might eat. However he seemed to her to be somewhat sullen and moody in the same way that robots are not, so she decided to cheer him up with some banjo playing. "Do you have any requests?"

"I think we should get out of this place." The Doctor said grumpily. "I have a feeling that somewhere there's injustice to be fought, dangers to be faced and bested. I want to do some good in the universe, not skulk about in an alleyway with a banjo-playing robot." He wondered if he'd gone too far and offended his new friend as there were still three pages of story to go.

"I also have a guitar." Trudiode changed instruments. "This one is about a doggy and there's a window involved too. On the whole though I'd rather have a pet cat, isn't that interesting?"

"I like cats." The Doctor's mood brightened instantly. Anyone who liked cats was well above those people who didn't in his book and as his book was a 900 year diary it was a rather good book, especially as it listed all the enemies he'd defeated, when and how. He wouldn't know how to keep score otherwise, probably hang around museums or other such places. "Cats are good."

"Let's get a pet cat." Trudiode had a pretty robot one already selected in the internal database, but she felt that being single she couldn't fully provide for its needs but with a friend to help her then she could.

"I think we should focus on our current plight, don't you?" The Doctor asked the somewhat irresponsible robot. "Although perhaps a pet cat would be nice to have around the TARDIS. I would get it to chase little balls of string or play with a nice clockwork mouse."

"I think the crowd has gone." Trudiode looked out of the alley to see that indeed the flash mob had departed. "There's just that large army waiting for us."

"Oh my goodness." The Doctor exclaimed. "Now I really am finished."

"It's ok." Trudiode looked at the story outline again. "The planet's been invaded by some robot superheroes in flashy outfits!"

"Those are not superheroes!" The Doctor exclaimed. "Those are the Daleks! They're anything but heroes; they're one of the most evil life forms ever to have evolved in the universe. Inside those tank-like shells are twisted lumps of hatred given misshapen fleshy form. They will kill without mercy, just because they can. We have to get back to the TARDIS and get out of here before they find me."

"Don't they like you?" Trudiode backed away slowly, in case they thought she was with him.

"I have a habit of defeating their plans." The Doctor said modestly. "They've never defeated me."

Trudiode edged closer to the Doctor again. "What's the plan then?" She decided to stick by her nice friend after all; well what else are friends for if not for shopping, trips to the beach and talking to about relationships?

"I think perhaps discretion is the better part of valour." The Doctor considered uttering a pithy quote from Shakespeare, except only the tragedies sprung immediately to mind. "Present fears are less than horrible imaginings."

"What's an imagination?" Trudiode wondered what one could be and worried that she might have one.

 

 

I shall plot my plan of revenge from my hospital bed!!!!!

 

 

The Daleks are of course a Doctor Who shortcut for evil. Simply have the Daleks arrive and you know things are about as bad as they can get for the Doctor. Luckily of course the Doctor is planning on running away from them, which is usually very wise. However explaining them to Trudiode may just prove to be one difficulty too many for our hero to face right now.

 

 

Help, my nurse is a Dalek!!!!!

 

 

"I like running." Trudiode said as they ran away from the strange and mysterious Daleks. She wondered if she could make friends with them but judging from the Doctor's reaction to them she began to doubt it.

"Daleks?" The Doctor exclaimed. "Daleks? Daleks? Why are the Daleks here now?" He looked up at the vast armada of flying saucers in the sky. "They also looked different, more enhanced. Are they the new ones from Victory of the Daleks? I do hope they're not looking for me. They usually are, which is worrying at the best of times, but why here and why now? It's Revelation all over again but without the wrap party. Perhaps I'm just in the wrong place at the wrong time?"

"You always are my dear Doctor." The Master stepped out of the shade provided by a convenient something. "Oh my dear Doctor you have been naïve in this story."

"Who is the weird man with the beard?" Trudiode asked the Doctor. "He looks scary; I want to hide behind something, like a sofa."

"I am the Master." The Master addressed the curious robot. "The Doctor and I know each other of old; we've fought many times across the cosmos. Hyaus, Tiuasd, Yiuad, Jouais and many other battlefields. Now though is our final confrontation, the endgame of our little game of galactic chess."

"Chess?" The Doctor scoffed. "Never had time for the game. I prefer monopoly and you've just landed on my hotel." The Doctor effortlessly leapt past the Master with ninja grace and delivered a Venusian karate chop to the wall behind, which promptly fell over the wrong way to reveal the waiting army of Daleks.

"Exterminate!" The Dalek Eternal commanded while looking disturbingly like a Scottish National Party gift item.

The Doctor, Trudiode and the Master threw themselves at the floor before the air above them was filled with a million rays of instant death. "I've saved you once again." The Doctor said to the Master. "You ungrateful wretch."

"You will never defeat me." The Master said to the Doctor. "Do you hear the drums?"

"Sorry." The Doctor stopped playing and stood up. "I thought Trudiode and I might form a drum and bass band."

"The drums in my head never stop, isn't it fun?" The Master slapped the Doctor.

"Get a room you two and you stop being so John Simm all of a sudden." Trudiode said to the two biologicals, especially the one with the face hair. "I'm going home; I've had enough of today. I was doing fine until I met you, now I'm a wanted criminal, my world's been invaded and a creepy man with a beard is looking up my skirt!"

"Sorry." The Master said. "I've been written as an insane weirdo in this story."

"Your home has been destroyed." The Doctor said sadly to Trudiode. "Come with me, I'll let you travel through time and space with me. We'll have fabulous adventures every weekend and maybe we'll find you a new home one day."

"The Cybermen have arrived." The Master smiled coldly. "My temporary allies against those silly oversized pepper pots."

"Delete!" The Cybermen intoned as they advanced towards the Daleks, caring not for the three people between them and their targets.

"Exterminate!" The Daleks replied and cared even less about not hitting three bystanders.

"Brave processor Trudiode." The Doctor said solemnly just as the Sontarans and the Draconians turned up for the big fight as well.

"Sontar-Ha! Sontar-Ha! Sontar-Ha! Sontar-Ha! Sontar-Ha! Sontar-Ha! Sontar-Ha!"

"We are the People's Democratic Republic of Draconia, the female robot will be silent!"

"I don't think so." Trudiode looked up as the sky started to open up and the whole planet began to get swallowed up by a temporal weapon created by a race of dusty librarians, so she took the teleport device out of her handbag and took herself away to the planet of her robot girlfriend Violet where they moved in together, got a robot cat and later adopted a robot baby together before one day getting married and living happily ever after. Occasionally she wondered how her friend the Doctor escaped too, but not too often as she liked a quiet life and didn't want to think about armies and invasions when she had a small robot to look after.

 

 

I give up, I'm leaving this story, trying to kill the Doctor is too dangerous!!!!!

 

 

So that's my bit of this meta-fictiony story over more or less...but how did the Doctor escape? That's your homework, to think about the story, the impossibility, improbability and insubstantiality of the plot and come up with your own secret ending to the Doctor's part of the story, maybe he had an idea, maybe he was rescued, maybe he's still fighting or maybe it was all a dream, just don't tell anyone else or it won't be true…