A little later in the day than usual, but it's finally here! Rachel Morgan has tackled the Third Doctor this week, and there are one or two surprises...
Malleus Maleficarum
Words have power, they can control reality itself, if you know how. The right word in the right place at the right time can change the world. Imagine if Brutus was three hours late to that meeting and the others had given into their fear, would Caesar have survived instead of being assassinated? Maybe. What if one tired old woman had acquiesced to the strange demands of a bigot and moved to the back of the bus, would a large segment of a society still be brutally oppressed simply because of the melatonin levels in their skin cells? Possibly. Words have power, they have meaning, and they are a part of our very culture. They define us in ways we can barely comprehend sometimes, they can free and imprison with equal ease. Tomás de Torquemada was angry and anger was a pox upon the soul. Only the blood of that accursed witch Sabrine would cleanse himself and the land of Italy and by extension the world of her foul evil. She taunted him everywhere he went, always killing off his best guards and leaving him vile reminders of his failure to capture her and cleanse her soul of her disgusting ungodly ways. "Muerte de la vil bruja Sabrine!" Death to the vile witch indeed.
"Italy." The Doctor, travelling meddler and wine taster, announced proudly, like he'd just had 8 draws come up in the football pools. "You'll love Italy, Sarah Jane." His careworn face rearranged itself into a wide smile. "Fine wine, good food, excellent table conversation. As I said to Alexander the Great, you can't visit Italy without trying the food."
"I never know when you're being serious." Sarah Jane Smith, reporter, replied. "You drop more names than a back bench MP filling in at a royal gala event because his boss got plastered in the jaguar before he got there. Of course what we really need is a woman prime minister, she'd soon sort you lot out."
The Doctor smiled wistfully. "Be careful what you wish for!" He gave the controls a quick once over, air, gravity and radiation levels were all in the clear. Then with the flick of a switch he opened the doors. "After you m'dear."
"No." Sarah smiled. "After you." If there were Daleks or Ice Warriors out there she wanted the Doctor to use as a shield before she came up with a great plan to defeat them, or offer them an exclusive interview if things went that way instead.
Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, so they say. They're wrong of course, Chocolate Oyster Surprise is, but it's still a good saying all the same. Power is a catch-all term for a lot of things. Wealth, the ability to buy what you want, is one form of power. Influence, the ability to get someone to do what you want them to do, is another sort of power. Position, gaining a job or title that has inherent properties to give the bearer more gravitas than they otherwise would have, is a third form of power. Then there's physical power, the path of violence, self destructive in the end as the attacker inevitably becomes the attackee. The mere threat of violence as a form of control is used by the bully, someone with no real skill or ability except the means to intimidate others into doing things they themselves are unable to do.
Sarah Jane felt sad as she moved along the streets. What she really wanted was to be back on Peladon, in the arms of Thalia. They both knew it couldn't last; they were women of two very different worlds, neither of which were very tolerant of homosexuality. In many ways Peladon was as backwards as the city she was in now, and yet they had made alien contact a dozen times over and shown remarkable maturity about it all. She thought of her own times, the people there were much less tolerant; half the world would welcome alien visitors with open arms and the other half with loaded guns.
The Doctor was an alien, he was strange and magical and wonderful and yet for all of that there was something desperately sad about him. She knew he'd recently lost a close friend, Jo, as she'd gone off to get married and start a life in Brazil with him. That sort of thing was not for her, and she wasn't the settling down kind and if she ever was then it wouldn't be with a man that was for certain. Unless it was some sort of sham marriage to a gay man so they could both present as a married couple in public and in private they could be with their preferred partners.
She thought back to her brief relationship with Claire. Claire had been three years older, twenty years more cynical and had actually burned her bra in public, much to the astonishment of her fellow radical feminists who were all talk and no action. The problem with Claire was and is that Claire only loves Claire. Sarah Jane felt that if she could get a mirror and a tape recording of her own voice then she'd have her perfect woman.
Jacques Duvall was not remotely French; in fact he wasn't even human but a Frenchman in an Italian city is just foreign enough to be excused the sorts of social faux pas that a native would never make. Like all agents of the Eternals he'd had his whole physical appearance changed so that he looked like one of the local inhabitants of the world he'd been assigned to. Last month he was something more akin to a centipede and the month before that he was pretty much a splodge of goo in a lake of more goo. His ongoing mission was to track down the last remaining Carrionite terrorist and deliver her to his masters for a reward and a respite from being assigned another mission for a cycle of rest and relaxation on a pleasure planet: resident or visitor didn't matter as long as he got some time off to do his own thing which was basically drinking a great deal, playing cards and most likely waking up the next day with a horrific hangover. He was delighted that he'd been able to do this on work time on this particular planet. If it wasn't for the stupidity of the natives he might almost like it.
Jillian Duvall was currently the wife of her best friend and business partner. Being an uber-macho alpha male personality, the irony of being female on this planet was not lost on her. The Eternals installed the typical background information of the human species in their heads and she'd honed her figure into a solid mass of she-muscle and sinew so that she was far stronger and more powerful now than she was the last time she was a biped humanoid species. She could cope with the weird biology, strange clothing fashions and even the footwear but the next man to goose her would get his arm ripped off slowly and painfully.
The streets were bright and open and they entered a wide plaza that was full of merchants selling everything from food to clothes to all sorts of jewellery and there was even a stall that sells manure. Sarah Jane wrinkled her nose and moved to the other side of the Doctor. "Let's go somewhere upwind of this lot."
"You can tell a lot about a civilization by the way the use their manure." The Doctor began a long lecture. "Most use it to fertilize their crops or in building non-permanent structures. In your time they simply pump it out into the sea and hope the consequences of such ecological terrorism don't happen in their life times. I'd tell them that it will but they wouldn't listen to me. There's nothing so firmly closed as the human mind in denial."
For a brief second Sarah Jane wondered if the Doctor suspected that he knew she was gay. She'd been careful to keep things like that hidden behind false names and the like. Her first girlfriend Christine had been referred to as her boyfriend Chris to all the girls in the office. She could talk freely about things then, it was a simple code and one she personally hated but people were bigoted about trivial things like sexual orientation. Allowing themselves great privileges and powers to those in a majority like themselves and harshly and often savagely denying the same things to those a little different simply because they didn't want them to have them out of arrogance, ignorance and spite. One day a marriage between two women would have equal value to that of a woman and a man, she'd seen the future, it happened and she dearly wished she could stay there and find a woman to marry but travelling with the Doctor was even more exciting and it would scoop her a ton of journalistic awards when she published her articles.
Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger knew they weren't the only team of bounty hunters on this dull little world, but they were the best. They used the native species to do their work for them. All it took was a little time to learn the local language and then they could produce their propaganda as and when required. In time the locals would think of looking for Carrionites as their own idea, so what if the more stupid of the species got carried away and the more intelligent used the opportunity to get rid of their rivals. The actions of lesser beings were hardly their concern.
The students were weak, inferior beings. The gift of creation was wasted upon them with their dull minds and vacant eyes. They were barely above the beasts in the fields in her opinion. Sabrine wanted the company of an equal, a woman with a truly gifted intellect to match her own. She was rapidly coming to the conclusion that her time of this planet was wasted in her search to find an apprentice, she'd all but given up hope on finding one woman who could open her mind to the Carrionite way.
A true mistress of the Carrionite teachings had to have four essential qualities: A thirst for power, a need to submit to authority or exert it as requires, a certain creativity regarding retribution and most importantly the necessary mindset to know the natural superiority of the female of every species over their inferior males, something even the Daleks knew to be true as there had never been a male Dalek bred since Davros' earliest experiments.
Obedience was necessary because without complete submission to the will of her teacher the acolyte could make a mistake and her training would lead to an inferior end product. Every trainee must put aside her personal quest for power when she was but a pupil but never forget it completely or she would never be a truly successful wielder of the magic. It wasn't enough merely to defeat an enemy, anyone could do that; what set a student and later a mother apart was her creativity in selecting the perfect spell to vanquish her foe to elicit a certain amount of irony and pleasure from the act. As the magic was borne from life, so the potential to create life was key in the shaping and honing of a true mother; males were not allowed access to any of the craft secrets as they would merely destabilise the complex magical fields that a female worked with and shaped to her needs.
Jacques and Jillian approached the tall white haired man. He was obviously an alien; they could tell from his eyes and the cursory biometric scan of his system revealed little in common with the natives of his planet. "Are you here for the bounty too? We've never seen a hunter like you before."
"Certainly not one who carries any weaponry." Jillian ran her hands over the man's body; it was muscular but not bulky. Strong and powerful but also agile and spry. He was a tracker, a stalker, a predator of guile and cunning. He was a wolf while they were more like mighty bears. "What's this?" She took out a small metal tube. "It's not very big at all is it?"
"Madam." The Doctor smiled. "It's not what you have it's entirely how you use it." The Doctor held out his hand. "That is a sonic screwdriver, a handy tool. I have no use for weapons."
"You're a cocky one." Jacques smiled. "I think I like you, no one lives as long as you have without being good at what he does."
"My dear sir no one I've met has lived as long as I have," the Doctor said sharply. "I'm over two thousand years old."
"Bullshit," Jillian replied. "You got your own spectrox mine?"
"A what mine?" The Doctor asked. "Never mind, I'm here with a friend doing a little sight seeing. If you would be so good to allow me on my way?"
"Of course," Jacques replied with a mock bow. "Come along Jillian, let us leave the man to enjoy his, what was it? Sight seeing? Yes. Do enjoy."
"Complete amateur," Jillian scoffed.
"He mewls like a prattling buffoon, but his eyes are sharper and colder than the meanest son of a nebula who gave us this job. He's up to something alright but unless he gets in our way I really don't want to cross paths with him. Something about him says we'll come off worst and I don't want that blemish on our records, you know they don't forgive mistakes."
Sarah Jane saw her as a coweled figure, all shadowy and vague. Yet she could sense the power around her. It was intoxicating and she was drawn to her like a magnet to its opposite pole.
"Come let me borrow, give your heart to me, daughter of tomorrow." Sabrine chanted the simple spell of attraction.
"Hello." Sarah Jane said simply. "I'm called Sarah."
"Nothing could be fairer than a pretty flower called Sarah." Sabrine smiled. "You have potential. Tell me what do you know of the power of women?"
"Everything." Sarah Jane smiled. "We're changing the world where I come from. It's been a long time coming but now we're taking what is owed to us."
"Could you have the strength to take the whole world?" Sabrine mused. "Do you want the power to control men like puppets? To ride the sky like a hawk? Do you yearn to learn how to control the very elements themselves? I can teach you all of this and more."
Sarah Jane wasn't quite sure how much of the strange woman's words were boasting and how much were truth. Obviously she was some sort of alien but she suspected that any alien that wanted to help womankind couldn't be a bad alien. "OK, I'm all ears."
Tomás was annoyed. "Es más difícil de honor de una mujer en una ramera house." He hated women in general because he was a priest and intelligent women in particular because they tended to speak out against the god-given right of men to rule the world in his name.
The Doctor looked around and saw a distinct lack of Sarah Jane Smith. At first he thought she'd just wandered off to see things for himself, but Sarah Jane was a reporter, she was always asking him questions, not because she wasn't intelligent but because she was intelligent and constantly wanted answers to all the questions that she could think of. If she wasn't here then it was highly unlikely that she wandered off on her own, more likely some third party had intervened to either kidnap her or lure her away somehow.
"Lost your mare then have you?" Jacques sneered at his rival. "You're rubbish at this, give it up and be a gardener or something harmless like that."
"Have you seen Sarah Jane?" The Doctor asked. "Have you kidnapped her?"
"Us?" Jillian scoffed. "Do me a favour. We wouldn't know we'd beaten you fair and square if we cheated. We may be scoundrels, rogues and thief-takers but we do have a code of ethics. We'll best you, believe that, but to be the greatest we have to earn that right. Abducting primitives and holding them hostage? We're more the shoot people dead type. Know what I mean?"
"Besides we know who took your precious little filly." Jacques grinned. "She did, the one we're all after. I had my gun lined up on her and then they started talking. At first I thought it was a trap of yours, a decoy. That made me angry, but then I saw them smiling and walking off and I realised that she'd got to your strumpet and turned her against you. Oh how I laughed then."
Sarah Jane smiled as she felt the power of the Carrionites within her skin. She felt so good, so alive, so in control of herself. With a word she would blacken the sun and darken the sky. She could turn the moon red and boil the seas. She was power, she was control, she was the instrument of Carrionite freedom. She would save her people, she would rescue them. She would give them justice, liberation and freedom. She would be their saviour. They deserved to live, they deserved to exist, they were much more worthy than mere human beings. She felt sorry for humanity and was glad that she'd left that species far behind.
The Doctor could sense the wrongness of it all. Space-Time was being warped, horribly twisted and mutilated, it was the cosmic equivalent of a fire alarm going off inside of a fire station – it was that dangerous. "Where are they then?" He protested. "That sorry collection of traffic wardens will be skulking around here somewhere, they always send someone to keep an eye on things."
"Who are you on about?" Jacques asked.
"My people," the Doctor sighed. "The Time Lords. They always turn up when someone starts meddling with the laws of time and space. They won't let me get the job done without someone, somewhere, keeping an eye on me."
"So you're not a bounty hunter?" Jillian asked.
"Never make assumptions," the Doctor lectured. "It can be very dangerous to get the wrong idea about someone. Someone here is meddling with the laws of reality, without any idea of what will happen if they make a mess of things. There are creatures outside of reality that would get in and eat as much of it as they can before they burn up because the laws in here are different to the laws out there. It would be like a snowman forcing open an oven and then climbing inside to eat the gingerbread man." He followed his well-trained nose to the source of the trouble. He saw Sarah Jane with a strange alien woman. "Sarah, come over here, quickly."
"Don't tell me what to do." Sarah felt like she was in a dream, she could do anything she wanted to do. "I'm a free woman."
"Yes you are, Sarah Jane Smith." The Doctor smiled. "However you're in terrible trouble, that woman is up to no good. She's meddling with forces she can't comprehend."
"He just wants to take our power from us." Sabrine smiled. "Men can't be allowed to tell us what to do anymore."
"I agree," said Sarah Jane. "Leave us alone, Doctor."
"I'm afraid I can't." The Doctor sighed. "If I can feel the distortions in the space-time continuum then my people certainly can. They have machines that can measure the direction in which an electron spins around an atomic nuclei when it's located on the other side of the universe."
"Leave us!" Sabrine hissed, before seeing the bounty hunters. "It's a trap!" She let loose a bolt of energy at the three interlopers.
"What?" The Doctor gasped as the energy pulse hit him in the chest, stopping both of his hearts.
Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger looked down at their completed work. They knew that the church hated women almost as much as they did. Both had been spurned by strong-minded women who would rather do without a husband than agree to be their wives. To them it was only proper that a woman should be the subordinate servants of men, and with their new treatise they could manipulate others into getting rid of all the strong-minded women by labelling them as witches and servants of Satan. It was a clever ploy because the church was always looking for ways to promote its anti-female agenda. To them only a man could create life and the fact that women were living proof their religion was a false one constantly burned in their guts like fire and acid.
"Get them!" Jillian led the charge.
"We must fly," Sabrine said to her new acolyte.
"How?" Sarah Jane asked.
"Kill them both!" Jacques snarled gleefully. "Slowly though, I want to savour these deaths."
"From land to air man doth try to imitate the birds and fly but only women can ride the sky!" Sabrine lifted Sarah up into the air as she flew them both to safety.
"That is bull shonk!" Jillian snapped, letting off a hail of bullets at the escaping women. "Grak it all to Rall."
"They killed the old man too," Jacques sighed. "Let the locals deal with his corpse, we have to begin the hunt anew."
It was as if time stood still and then reversed itself for a moment. The unseen coweled silvery figure watched as the red lightning flared all around the room, expanding and then contracting again on its target. The Doctor screamed once before clenching his jaw shut again. He would not give into the pain, he would not give his enemy the satisfaction of knowing he was losing, dying. The pain surged and all was quiet for a single moment. A stillness filled the air and the Doctor knew he was going to die. There was too much damage to heal naturally, nothing natural could save him now. Only Rassilon's gift could renew him and he'd never managed that before without help. The first time the TARDIS had helped him through it, he'd been so weak, so arrogant, refusing to relinquish that life almost at the cost of everything. Then his own people had forced him to regenerate. Oh not at first of course, that would be too easy. No, they made him their puppet, promising the offset of his sentence for every mission he partook, until that last time, the Ice Warriors. No, don't think about that now. They could have saved everyone but they took him out of time and made him endure his renewal under medical conditions. He'd been perfectly aware of what was happening. They called it compassionate, to stretch it out for ten whole days to make sure every cell was revitalised fully. A wild regeneration had to be better, uncontrolled, truly random. Anything could happen. He could end up with two heads, or none at all. The perfect moment of clarity passed and all was pain and suffering once more and then the Doctor died.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. The world never felt so strange, so peculiar, so bizarre. All of her moods were filtered through one emotion, one feeling, one need, one craving, one all-consuming fire. Love. She was in love! Falling deeper and deeper into its fiery embrace with every moment. She loved it and feared it. Love was the opposite of what she wanted. She wanted a life free of attachments, commitments, connections, bonds. She was her own woman, all of time and space were hers to visit and explore. Now all that was changed, fundamentally, forever. She couldn't imagine doing all of that without him now. The stars were meaningless if he wasn't there to see them with him. Worlds were just places unless they were walking on them arm in arm looking deep into each others eyes and knowing that they were there together.
The bitch killed the Doctor! Sarah Jane snapped out of her power trip and glared at her now former teacher. "He was my friend!"
"He was just a man," Sabrine snarled. "We are superior to him in every way."
"Lady, you'll never be superior to him." Sarah Jane knew she couldn't defeat her teacher with magic, so she used physical power. She lashed out with a tiny balled fist and knocked her rival to the floor. "He was a better teacher than you! He taught me all about love, compassion, mercy, justice, everything that makes a woman strong. You have nothing to teach me, your ways are not those of the women of this world. Though they are tied down now they will rise up, they will regain their power, they will be free. I am their legacy. Women's liberation is not about freeing ourselves of male domination, its about empowering ourselves to be the women we want to be, to define ourselves in our own way. Your way is just an endless cycle of slavery and you can't even see the bars on your prison Sabrine, I pity you. Words are all you have. Well I have words and actions. I am the word and deed."
The pain had ended. There was a tingling to the body. Everything was new, brimming with life and energy. Skin, cold and naked. Eyes, twenty colour vision, as good as ever. Smell, phew, the stench of the grave.
The Doctor sat up and saw a man faint. "That's unusual." Long dark hair fell into the eyes. "Very unusual. I'm a girl!" No, it couldn't be that random could it? "My voice! I am a girl!" The sight of her own breasts confirmed matters. "How's this possible? No one said I could turn into a girl! I'll have to wear bras now for the rest of my life – lives possibly." She looked back at the unconscious man. "Am I that ugly?" Then she realised that she was in a primitive mortuary. "Oh, I've just risen from the grave. I guess they don't see that sort of thing very often. I remember Drax did that once many years ago, some sort of prank that ended up as a religion or something like that. Clothes, I should probably find some. Naked women are usually frowned upon by every major species, except the Nudoes of Nudos of course. Must avoid going there if at all possible, I really don't want to be that sort of woman."
She eventually wrapped the off-white shroud around her chest to make a primitive sort of dress before leaving the room; before the unconscious man awoke with questions she'd rather not ask just now. "Maybe I should investigate shoes?" The cold floor was rough and couldn't be doing her new skin any good at all. "Flats or heels? Now that is the question I'd have asked Will if I was the me I am when I was the me I was when I rewrote his play for him. Then again I'd probably just seize up and stammer a lot."
For some reason the idea of attractive men made her mind work in odd ways that it had never worked in before. Obviously human males were out of the question, except as friends, but Drax was pretty cute and the Master had a rugged quality about himself even though he was completely insane.
She decided to head back to the TARDIS to find something that could fit her new self and the idea of trying on every single outfit at least seven times filled her with positive vibes, it could be fun selecting a new clothing look. After all, clothes very much make the woman and she wanted something that had a classy look but was hard wearing too.
"Maybe I should do something with all this hair too? Start off with something simple, something nice and feminine."
Tomás looked at the guards as they began to surround the home of the witches. "Hoy tenemos que hacer Voluntad de Dios."
The Doctor tried on a skirt, it fitted nicely, flattering her legs, but it wouldn't do for a lot of running about in and she always ended up doing a lot of running…for some reason or another. Trousers it'd have to be, but there was nothing wrong with the odd skirt or pretty dress for a nice relaxing formal occasion, like a dance or a party. The idea of letting a man take the lead with her while dancing seemed right and proper so she gave it no more thought as she moved on to finding the right blouse that conveyed a sense of sensible businesswoman mixed with flighty Time Lady of leisure.
The bra straps were still digging somewhat into her shoulders and she was beginning to suspect that she'd have to investigate learning out how to adjust them. At least the knickers were a comfy one-size fits all affair. It was odd how very different her hips and bum were now but the briefs fitted her new shape perfectly. Well that was what they were designed to do after all. She suddenly became aware just how little she actually knew about women and here she was now one of them.
They say be yourself, but what woman can walk perfectly in a pair of heels the first time she tries them on? Maybe she'd just stick to something plain and sensible for her first time in public? A nice trouser suit and subtle make up, jewellery and nothing really extravagant like a push up bra.
Sarah Jane studied the ancient texts, looking to see how the power of words could reshape the universe. "I see, language replaces mathematics as the basic underpinning of the structure of the universe. That's an interesting point as we've had a lot of experience in my time with the use of propaganda to control people."
"Exactly." Sabrine smiled. "Words have power, the right words spoken in the right order can create beauty beyond words or unleash a nightmare."
The Doctor emerged from the TARDIS feeling much more like her new self, at least what she wanted her new self to feel like. Gone were the baggy ill-fitting flares and smoking jacket. Gone was the frilly shirt and far too big shoes. In their place she wore a simple brown trouser suit that fitted and flattered her new feminine figure. Comfy pink converse boots adorned her feet, totally girly but also practical and over it all she wore a long dark blue coat that added just a hint of swooshy super heroine quality to her look. It had been either this or something that made her look like a tart and to be honest with herself she'd rather look like a lady of time than a tart, at least until she got herself a boyfriend. "Now to save Sarah Jane from that slapper."
Had she just decided she wanted to get herself a boyfriend? Best not to think about guys just yet, it would distract her and complicate things and besides what would she actually do with one? She had a wife a long time ago and a son. Would she really have to be his wife and have his kids? One might be nice, two better, three superb. No she wasn't the settling down kind, her new hormones were just distracting her with weird thoughts about men with their muscles and hairy bodies and mouths you just wanted to snog for ages and ages…stop that woman, get a grip! Rescue Sarah first, then fantasise about guys later.
Tomás almost had a fit when the strange woman incapacitated half of his guards. "Aprovechar su!"
"I don't think so." The Doctor has not the expert in Venusian aikido that she used to be but she was still pretty handy with the old self defence. "Someone really should have said no to you a long time ago. I'm here for the creature that ensnared my friend with her lies and deceits."
"Yo le detiene!" Tomás lunged at the offensively dressed woman but she almost broke his jaw with her fists. "¿Qué manera de diablo estás?"
"I'm the woman that devils are scared of." The Doctor replied and walked on into the house. "Hello, Sarah Jane?"
"Who are you?" Sarah Jane asked. "You're wearing trousers. I'm the only woman here wearing trousers."
"Death can't keep a good Doctor down." The Doctor replied. "How do I look? I still feel a little woozy. Hearts are both fine, skin a lot softer than before. The hair's new but I'll get used to it. I have no idea how I managed to get this bra on so quickly, never having worn one before now. Still all in all I think I'm fine. It could have been worse I suppose. Come on Sarah Jane, stop gawping there's a good girl and let's get back to the TARDIS."
"Doctor?" Sarah Jane was completely confused. "Is that really you?"
"Yes, do you think I should undo another button on this blouse or would that make me look too tarty? It's a fine line between wanting to exhibit your femininity and basically giving men an excuse to look at your cleavage and not your face when they talk to you."
"You're a feminist?" Sarah Jane was surprised and proud of the woman who may be her former best friend. "What about Sabrine?"
"I think we should leave her to the tender mercies of those tasked with the duties of tracking her down," the Doctor replied. "They may have some mercy, while I have none."
"How can you be the Doctor?" Sarah Jane asked. "He was full of mercy and compassion. He was a good man."
"Yes I was him, now I'm me," the Doctor replied. "I am the woman that people do not cross, I am the line that none shall pass. I am the retribution of the victim, the merciless avenger of the abused. I am the approaching tempest and all shall fear my advance. I am the Doctor."
"Pretty words," Sabrine sneered. "I name thee, Lady, hearts of ice and fire. I name thee for all time, Doctor!"
"Is that supposed to impress me?" The Doctor asked. "That's not how a naming goes, now is it? I win the fight, by truth and light, I name thee thus: Carrionite!"
"Nooooooooo!" Sabrine screamed and flew backwards out of the window to escape the looming hurricane.
"Got her!" Jillian said as she held the Carrionite firmly in her grasp. "Your word magic doesn't work on female flesh, your species' one true weakness. Send a woman to catch a woman, and that was a woman's great plan. You're going to love to hate our boss, she's very unforgiving."
Jacques smiled at the Carrionite prisoner and teleported himself and the two women to the hall of the Eternals. "Captain Wrack will see us shortly."
"You're a traitor to your gender," Sabrine chided Jillian. "You're doing men's work for them."
"Oh I'm hardly a man." Captain Wrack smiled as she appeared in the room. "And neither is he anymore." She waved her hand and Jacques became Jacqueline. "Now you can hardly say you weren't tried, convicted and executed by your peers can you? I don't care much for the lesser species, they're either useful to me or they're not, but I do so very much hate a hypocrite. You see your species is divided along lines of its own making, instead of working together you drive yourselves apart. It's quite sad really, women should be proud to be women and likewise with men. Instead you're always trying to compete in silly little ways to prove nothing of consequence. I find you guilty of being inferior; Sabrine of the Carrionites, your crime is banishment from existence!"
Tomás watched as the evil Sabrine was taken up to heaven by two angels. He wasn't sure why one of them was female but who was he to question God's will?
Sarah Jane looked at the strange woman who called herself Doctor. "Is that really you?"
"Yes and no." The Doctor replied. "I have all the memories of the man you knew but this me is entirely new. I'm a brand new woman literally, who I am from now on is a mystery to us both but I'm looking forward to finding out more about this new me. For instance I don't seem to like chips anymore, or the colour yellow. I now like red wine more than white and I really think we need to talk. You've been unhappy for a long time now, Sarah Jane. I think I was too preoccupied with myself to realise that you were deeply in love, back on Peladon. So that's where we're going, I'm taking you home Sarah Jane, to the woman you love."
"I…how did…thank you." Sarah Jane hugged her friend.
Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger finished the last line of their wonderfully spiteful misogynistic text when the door was kicked open and the papal Swiss Guard burst in and arrested them both for slandering the holy mother of Christ.
Queen Thalia was delighted to see the love of her life return. "Sarah!"
"Your majesty!" Sarah Jane smiled as they hugged and then kissed.
"I'll be back, for the wedding," the Doctor promised. "I love a good wedding, I can be your bridesmaid Sarah. Never been a bridesmaid before."
"You will always be welcome here on Peladon, Lady Doctor. I pronounce you a noble woman of my court. The mines of Mount Borias will be yours, we'll look after them for you until you return."
"You do me a great honour." The Doctor smiled. "I wonder if I should pay a visit to my old friend Lord Haszid on Draconia? His reaction to my new me will be interesting to see. I'll see you both later."
The Doctor left the court room as Sarah Jane and Thalia began to kiss and hold hands once again.
